http://khaledghorab.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/judge.jpg 846 1024 Khaled Ghorab http://khaledghorab.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Header-Logo-1.png Khaled Ghorab2017-01-07 13:52:462017-01-07 13:52:46How to Stop People From Judging You
I’ve constantly heard people talk themselves in and out of judgment. I have also been part of conversations in which a person feels “judged” or denies “judging” someone or something else. And ever so often do people ask: “How do I stop others from judging me?” It’s a question that lies deep within each and every one of us. We think that in order to stop it we must stop judging ourselves. Wrong.
It seems to be part of the dilemma of our generation today; the dilemma that I must be pure at heart versus I must express myself and my feelings.
Today, expressing your emotions and opinions – which may possibly oppose someone else’s – is a big “no, no”. You will be met with the typical and all-so-spiritual response “don’t judge me!”
Because of such an understanding around judgment, people are truly unclear about what the heck it REALLY is! It’s just like the term “Universe” with a capital “U” that’s often used in today’s books and spiritual groups who shy away from the concept of God (and yet refer to men and women as God and Goddess, lol) and can’t even explain or have a universal – oh, the irony – definition of the Universe.
Back to judgment.
When people speak of judgment they make it seem like this big bad monster that destroys relationships and suffocates the bonds between human beings. They may assume that the act of judging someone else may entail negativity (or bad intentions) when in reality it is a mere habit of being human.
By definition, judgment is the cognitive process of reaching a decision or drawing conclusions. It is also the mental ability to understand and discriminate between relations (oh goodness, discriminate made it to the table as well? Such tyranny of humanity!)
I sometimes think that people get too sensitive and emotional around to the point that they image that a judge is someone who holds bad intentions and gets to conclude how your life should be lived when they think of “judgment”.
But what they fail to realize or remember is the true capacity at which judgment is formulated: CURIOSITY. Whether 1% or 100%, curiosity is always there in any conversation in relationships. And so, the issue with the world’s version of judgment is the fact that there isn’t a clear sense of understanding around it. Your suffering around this very notion of life has everything to do with your internal conflict resulting from the dilemma I mentioned in the very beginning of this blog post. You can’t hate/resist what you naturally do.
There is a flip side to this experience and it connects to the system in which a human being requires mentally to process a situation and create an understanding through it. We need data from our surroundings and internal world so that we can mash them up together and put into context a frame of mind which would eventually help us recognize a specific concept which we would then bring forth to the external world and state it in a way that implies a conclusion.
What many people truly have a problem with is how that conclusion is verbalized. The “how” has a lot to do with the emotional experience that comes with the words. This is a huge distinction between those versions of expression. And if it makes you feel better, this, on the left, is how the creation of judgment really looks like. If people were “judgment free” as they would like the world to be, there won’t be any decisions, conclusions, learnings, or even achievements made.
I’m not suggesting that we should always judge. I am suggesting that we must accept that judgment is a part of humanity, that people get to judge, and that we must be able to discern between judgment and ridicule, hatred, disrespect, condescension, and such acts of putting people’s opinions and feelings down.
I urge you to look into those very distinctions.
In order for you to stop others from judging you, you must be able to end this dilemma inside of your cognitive process. Because once you end it, you will know for sure that this “judgment” is just an illusion created by your own world filters. In other words, you will have immunity from it externally because you have that level of strength and knowing inside of you 🙂 Here’s what you can do about it:
Learn to embrace judgment as a habit of humanity, rather an act of tyranny.
Trying to “catch yourself” from judging others is almost like judging yourself that you have part of nature in you, and then judging that very act by telling yourself that you shouldn’t do that.
Understand that at times you may be projecting your insecurities onto someone else’s conclusions.
When you “feel” judged, get curious about what that feeling specifically is. It is usually a result of an emotion. Once you understand what’s going on inside of you, you will begin to discover that your initial feeling was based on your own filters of the world, not what that person is saying. Once you do that you will stop projecting your insecurities onto external conclusions about you. Simply put, your internal world will not be easily shaken.
Get really curious about what your definition or version of “judgment” looks like.
And then discover within yourself the reason behind creating that definition. Why was this created? Based on what? What life events had to happen for you to react that way around judgment and the way you react to it? This will reveal to you the internal “functions” that are set in stone for you around that definition. “If this…then that” is how they usually look like. I call this “limiting” or “empowering” beliefs in coaching.
Realize that people do not wake up in the morning wanting to judge others.
Most of the time people are just trying to be themselves. What they say isn’t really what they mean. Learn to look into what they aren’t saying yet. You will definitely feel into their words and unmask the intention behind it. This very act takes courage. So don’t expect it to come easily. It will take time.
Ask yourself: Is judgment the issue? Or am I just being picky with who tells me what?
This is probably the best thing you can do here. We live in a world today that influences us into believing that everything is binary. 1’s or 0’s. Black or white. Yes or not. Judgment or non-judgment. But in order for you to become artful with the way you deal with others, develop the curiosity around those two questions. You will find that it isn’t really judgment that you have an issue with. It is usually an avoidance inside of us created by a collection of bad experiences where you felt hurt and pain. Look into it and heal it.
Question: By ending this kind of dilemma in you, how does this benefit your relationships and love life right now? What’s possible from here? Comment below or come have coffee with me to discuss!